Don't answer Census questions, ask them instead!

I will not be filling in a census form, instead I will be serving a notice upon Jil Matheson CEO of the ONS and only complete the census form upon receipt of satisfactory answers...

I will also be creating my own census form to give to any census workers who come to my door and I will tell them that I will complete their form when they complete mine... and I want to know things like "What colour are your stools?" and "How many times do you masturbate in an average week?" ... I may even send one to Ms. Matheson :D

Here's the Notice, feel free to use, replace the red and add your own questions to taste :D

GIVEN NAME: of the FAMILY NAME Family

STREET,

TOWN,

COUNTY

[POSTCODE]

 

Ms. Jil Mateson, C.E.O.

Office for National Statistics

Government Buildings

Cardiff Road

Newport

South Wales

NP10 8XG

 

Notice of Conditional Acceptance and Request for Clarification

 

Dear Ms. Matheson,

 

I write in response to the Census form received on RECEIVED DATE.

 

I must admit to being a little confused, it was my understanding that the census was instigated as a simple numerical count of the population; however, the information required in this census form far exceeds this mandate.

 

1. I am happy to complete this census form subject to receipt of clarification of the following  points.
2. What law requires me to complete the census?
3. From where does the Office for National Statistics derive the lawful authority to demand private information?
4. Is there a limit to invasion of privacy?
5. Is the Office for National Statistics lawfully authorised to demand Private property?
6. How can we be penalised for failure to provide information
7. Are there any circumstances whereby security agencies may access census information?
8. Since census data be requested by law enforcement, can I not answer so as to not to incriminate myself?
9. Since every government database has been hacked, leaked, lost or compromised in some fashion, how can the Office for National Statistics claim data security with any confidence?
10. Is the Office for National Statistics responsible for mishandled data?
11. What evidence do you have that I am a United Kingdom Resident?
12. Can you confirm or deny that the census data will be handled by an American Arms Manufacturer Lockheed Martin?
13. Can you confirm or deny that all U.S. companies are subject to the Patriot Act which allows the U.S. Government full access to any data in that company’s possession?
14. Can you confirm or deny that the Statistics and Registration Service Act 2007 section 39 subsection 4 would allow disclosure of personal information to any and/or all of the following:

• The 56 geographical and 8 non-geographical UK Police Forces.
• The three UK Intelligence Agencies (MI5, MI6 and GCHQ).
• The Department for Work and Pensions.
• Private investigators working for the Department for Work and Pensions to hunt down “benefits cheats”.
• Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs tax investigators.
• “Approved” Insurance Industry “anti-fraud” investigators / private investigators.
• The Home Office Borders and Immigration Agency.
• The Serious Organised Crime Agency (either for domestic investigations into Serious Crimes, or for these and also for minor investigations if requested by a Foreign Law Enforcement agency under Mutual Legal Assistance treaties.
• Lawyers in civil Court Cases e.g. for Divorce or Libel or Copyright Infringement etc.
• Local Authority Trading Standards departments.
• Local Authority Environmental Health departments.

Please provide your response in the form of a Statement of Truth, sworn under penalty of perjury and upon your full commercial liability within seven (7) days of receipt of this notice, I respectfully return your census form until such time as these conditions are met.

If I do not receive such a response conforming to the above criteria within, it will be deemed a tacit agreement by your acquiescence that this census is unlawful and that I have no obligation to participate.

 

Sincerely without malice, ill will, vexation or frivolity,

 

 

By: GIVEN NAME: of the FAMILY NAME Family

All Rights Reserved - Without Prejudice - Without Recourse - Non-Assumpsit

Errors & Omissions Excepted